More than a Loaf- Godly Men and Women in a Culture of Porn

April 19, 2008

“And he’s got posters on the wall of all the girls he wished she was…”
-American Hi-Fi, “Flavor of the Week”

I’ve been reading a very interesting book about pornography and its impact in our culture today. The chapter I’m in right now is talking about how porn affects relationships. I’ve never understood the couples I see come into my work who come to the cash register with a Playboy, Maxim, or something far worse. So many women today have been duped into thinking they are the “cool girlfriend” by endorsing their boyfriends’ porn habits and sometimes encouraging it. How we as a society have come to deal with porn can best be described as accomodating our weaknesses. We’ve just stopped fighting. We’ve come to just expect all men to be into porn and have thus rearranged our expectations of what it means to have a healthy relationship. Consequently, the unease and discomfort with which many girlfriends and wives have about their husband/boyfriends’ porn habits is thought to be wrong. And God forbid they should ever ask their man to stop looking. That’s just being insensitive. Women are increasingly being forced to believe a lie: that porn is okay, and they should live with it.

The following is a good example. A woman once found some porn in her fiance’s e-mail box and wrote in to Ask Amy, the successor to Dear Abby, to ask for advice. Amy encouraged her to confront him about it. In response to Amy’s advice, a male reader wrote a response letter: “Men look at porn…They always have and they always will. For women to demand that their husbands or boyfriends give it up is unreasonable and unrealistic…[her] fiance looks at nudie pictures with his buddies. He’s most likely done this since one of his junior high friends sneaked a copy of his dad’s Playboy into the locker room in 7th grade…If she lets a small thing like this ruin what sounds like an otherwise loving relationship, then she doesn’t deserve him anyway. And I think it stinks that you agreed with her insecurities.” (1)

I read this and my heart just broke. This is so representative of where our society’s attitude is when it comes to porn. How dare she let such a small thing like her fiance’s stash of other naked women upset her. Porn has become an acceptable, nay, encouraged outlet for men. It allows men to fulfill their natural desires to see more than one naked woman while at the same time letting them remain “faithful” to their wives by not actually having to sleep with other women. Porn assumes that men’s lust can’t be conquered. Rather than being a source of division in a relationship, so many sex therapists and women’s magazines are now not only tolerating porn in relationships but embracing it. A 2004 issue of Glamour tells women that watching porn together is one of the “ultimate milestones on any relationship resume.”(2) Haven’t viewed porn yet in your relationship? Man, step up. It’s time to get serious with each other!

Ms. Paul in her book goes on to describe a guy named Eliot. Eliot sees fantasizing about other women as a great thing, so long as it doesn’t actually lead to acting out those desires. Fantasies allow men to lust over other women and get their natural fix, all the while allowing them to still remain faithful to their wives. “Fantasizing about other people helps with fidelity,” he says. “I think so-called impure thoughts are actually important. It helps to engage in fantasy so as not to do these things in real life.”(3) You hear that men? If you haven’t ogled another woman recently, better do it quick. For the love of your wife and the sake of your marriage, you better start thinking about that hot secretary.

I’ll share one more example. Ms. Paul talks about young woman named Ashley. Ashley is mostly comfortable with her self image except for one thing. She doesn’t quite have the largest chest. She doesn’t find the men she’s slept with to find them to be a point of much attention. Her boyfriend at the time of her interview with Ms. Paul followed suit. She takes personally his difficulty in maintaining an erection in bed with her. To add to her frustration, he’s a big fan of pornography, and he’s real big into real big breasts. Ashley finally got up the nerve to talk about her personal insecurity with him. His response? Mind the quotation marks: “Yeah…it’s such a shame because I’m a real boob man.”(4) These are the men we’re expecting women to settle for in this country. Women, these men are dumbasses, and you deserve better. The attitude you’re being forced to adopt is that you should let your man look at other women if all he does is look, get aroused, and masturbate.

There’s a million things I could say statistically, theoretically, theologically, and personally about the dangers of pornography. I won’t. My focus right now is on the men who drive so many women to believe that a porn-free relationship is an unrealistic standard. I specifically want to address Christian men. The church is suffering the same infiltration of pornography as the rest of the world is. And as men who profess Christ we need to show our culture that while lust may be natural, we don’t have to stay natural men. Jesus came to free us from the bondage of our natural hearts which are only evil continually (Genesis 6:5).

Men…

…STEP UP!!!!!!!!!! Be men! You are the glory and image of God (1 Corinthians 9:7)! Grow up, get a job, stop wasting your life on the couch, pull the plug on the XBOX 360, ditch the porn and find a wife to get naked with. Show women what a blessing it is to be a real man. Not a chauvinist pig who is an idiot, drunkard, couch potato. Give our godly sisters in Christ HOPE that there ARE men who love Jesus and are faithful. Any man who believes pornography has no effect on their relationship is kidding themselves. Any man who honestly believes that his relationship with his wife is safe as long as he only fantasizes about other women without actually touching them is a fool and is hopelessly deceived. The Bible says that from the HEART flow the springs of life (Proverbs 4:23). In other words, how you live is the overflow of your heart. If your heart is fantasizing about other women, it will take a toll on your relationship. Even if you never touch one of the women that you fantasize about, eventually your fantasies will destroy the satisfaction you have with your wife.

Men, if you are married, your wife is your standard of beauty. Not some fake porn star. Love her, adore her, and show her you truly are a one-woman man in mind, body, and spirit. Delight yourself in HER (Proverbs 5:18-19, Song of Solomon 4:16-5:1). Make her never question her appearance. Obliterate whatever insecurities she has about her body. If you’re single and you have that desire for a sexual relationship, pray for a wife. Pray, wait, and watch. Search for a standard of beauty. Don’t look at porn and then try to find someone to help re-enact what you watched. Men, choose your love and love your choice. Your job in marriage is not to find a woman to please you sexually. The vast amount of pornography is women servicing men. Please your wives, men. Sex is meant to be reciprocal pleasure, not selfish gratification. Sufjan Stevens said it well in one of his songs: “Only a real man can be a lover.” Any guy can get horny and “screw” a woman. But it takes a real man to truly love a woman. Be that man.

Women, no man has ever loved a woman so much that he was compelled to look at other naked women. Do not tolerate any porn in your relationship. You aren’t being “cool” by giving your boyfriend porn. You’re appealing to his deficiencies. He’s an immature, childish idiot who deserves to be dumped. The blunt truth is that any man who looks at porn while going out with/married to you is not satisfied by you. You can accumulate as much information from “experts” as you want which says that that’s not the case, but it is. Women’s magazines are functioning on the belief that men will never be satisfied with one woman, and that the key to a healthy sex life is finding out how to make them satisfied enough with you. Ditch Cosmo, ditch Glamour, and turn to God’s prescribed method of sexuality which says one man, one woman, for life. Scripture tells men to be drunk in your love, and to be delighted at all times in your breasts. YOURS. The only man who deserves you sexually is the one who is willing to give himself to you for the rest of his life.

I close with perhaps the greatest quote on lust I have ever heard:

“Lust is not the result of an overactive sex drive; it is not a biological phenomenon or the by-product of our glands. If it were, then it could be satisfied with a sexual experience, like a glass of water quenches thirst or a good meal satisfies appetite. But the more we attempt to appease our lust, the more demanding it becomes. There is simply not enough erotica in the world to satisfy lust’s insatiable appetite. When we deny our lustful obsessions, we are not repressing a legitimate drive. We are putting to death an aberration. Lust is to the gift of sex what cancer is to a normal cell. Therefore, we deny it, not in order to become sexless saints, but in order to be fully alive to God, which includes the full and uninhibited expression of our sexual being within the God-given context of marriage.”
-Richard Exley

1. Quoted from Pornified: How Pornography Is Damaging our Lives, our Relationships, and our Families by Pamela Paul, pp.135-136.
2. ibid., p.130
3. ibid., p.140
4. ibid., p.159

1 Comment | Marriage and Singleness, Politics/Culture | Permalink
Posted by thetenthleper

Calvinism and Hobbes

April 17, 2008

“The king’s heart is a stream of water in the hand of the LORD; he turns it wherever he will.”
-Proverbs 21:1

I read something which I found to be very interesting in Thomas Hobbes’ “Leviathan” concerning free-will and necessity:

“Liberty and Necessity are Consistent: As in the water, that has not only liberty, but a necessity of descending by the Channel: so likewise in the Actions which men voluntarily do; which (because they proceed from their will) proceed from liberty; and yet because every act of man’s will, and every desire, and inclination proceeds from some cause, and that from another cause, which causes in a continual chain (whose first link in the hand of God the first of all causes) proceed from necessity.  So that to him that could see the connection of those causes, the necessity of all men’s voluntary actions, would appear manifest.  And therefore God, that sees, and disposes all things, sees also that the liberty of man in doing what he will, is accompanied with the necessity of doing that which God will, and no more, no less.  For though men may do many things, which God does not command, nor is therefore Author of them; yet they can have no passion, nor appetite to any thing, of which appetite God’s will is not the cause.  And did not his will assure the necessity of man’s will, and consequently of all that on man’s will depends, the liberty of men would be a contradiction, and impediment to the omnipotence and liberty of God.  And this shall suffice, (as to the matter in hand) of that natural liberty, which only is properly called liberty.”*

I was floored by how well these two issues are here reconciled, and I love that he uses the analogy of man’s will and a channel of water.  I first heard this analogy from Matthew Henry, in his commentary on Proverbs 21:1-

“Even the hearts of men are in God’s hand.  God can change men’s minds, can turn them from that which they seemed most intent upon, as the husbandman, by canals and gutters, turns the water through his grounds, which does not alter the nature of the water, nor put any force upon it, any more than God’s providence does upon the native freedom of man’s will, but directs the course of it to serve his own purpose.”

And to honor the other namesake of Bill Watterson’s classic comic strip, here’s John Calvin:

“Now when I assert that the will, being deprived of its liberty, is necessarily drawn or led into evil, I should wonder if anyone considered it as a harsh expression, since it has nothing in it absurd, nor is it unsanctioned by the custom of good men. It offends those who know not how to distinguish between necessity and compulsion. But if anyone should ask them whether God is not necessarily good, and whether the devil is not necessarily evil, what answer will they make? For there is such a close connection between the goodness of God and His divinity that His deity is not more necessary than His goodness. But the devil is by his fall so alienated from communion with all that is good that he can do nothing but what is evil…if a necessity of doing well impairs not the liberty of the divine will in doing well if the devil, who cannot but do evil, nevertheless sins voluntarily; who then will assert that man sins less voluntarily, because he is under a necessity of sinning?”

Water freely flows within its boundaries.  A train freely runs along its track.  Likewise our hearts freely run according to their desires, whatever they may be.  Proverbs 4:23 instructs us to “Keep your heart with all vigilance, for from it flow the springs of life.”  The consistent theme in the Bible with regard to the heart is this: you are what your heart is.  You will know a tree by its fruit (Matthew 12:33).  We are not free to grow fruit which our root doesn’t produce.  It’s not so much a matter of freedom as it is of ability.  I’ve often used the example of the human body.  Healthy individuals have free-will over their bodies.  They can clap their hands, jump up and down, run, swim, scream, whisper, etc…  At the same time, they can’t breathe underwater.  They can’t fly on their own power.  The free-will a person may have over their body is not absolute.  It’s confined.

As long as Christians try to define “free-will” in absolutist, autonomous terms, they will never truly understand their own salvation.  The hearts of every man, woman, and child on this earth are bound to either sin or God.  Popular theology teaches that God is voting for us, Satan is voting against us, and we must cast the deciding vote.  The idea is that man is a blank slate, inclined more to Satan maybe, but ultimately the master of his own desires.  Paul speaks in harsher terms though when he writes that “the mind that is set on the flesh is hostile to God, for it does not submit to God’s law; indeed, it cannot” (Romans 8:7).  The unsaved heart is not indifferent to God.  It’s hostile to him. It’s at enmity with him, filled with hatred towards him.  We are not compelled to hate him.  We hate him of necessity.  From the heart flow the springs of life, and from the evil heart flow the springs of hostility towards God.  As a human body equipped without gills cannot breathe underwater, neither can the natural heart desire God.

People have often wondered if Jesus can truly be considered “human” if he was unable to sin, but they’re asking the wrong question.  Man looks at Christ’s sinless life as an alienation from true humanity.  God calls us to look at Christ’s sinless life and lament over our alienation from what it truly means to be human.  God created Adam and Eve and called them “Good.”  He sent his son Jesus Christ to dwell in an earthly body, yet without sin.  Humanity is meant to be inherently good.  And one day it will be again.  Ideal humanity doesn’t carry with it autonomy.  Many speak of life in Christ in terms of “freedom,” and while this is true, many don’t understand what this freedom constitutes.  Our freedom in Christ still involves slavery.  Paul writes “But thanks be to God, that you who were once slaves of sin have become obedient from the heart to the standard of teaching to which you were committed, and, having been set free from sin, have become slaves of righteousness” (Romans 6:17-18).  Christ frees us from slavery to sin to become slaves of righteousness.  Many would abhor the use of the slavery concept here, but slavery is only as repulsive as its master.  What kind of slavery does Christ enlist us to?  Himself.  Righteousness.  Love.  Joy.  Peace.  Patience.  Kindness.  Goodness.  Faithfulness.  Gentleness.  Self-Control.  What problems would disappear from our planet if every human was bound of necessity to practice these qualities?

Slavery is freedom if the Master gives his slaves what is most beneficial and joyful to them.  The freedom to withdraw yourself from such infinite blessing would not be viewed as a good thing, but as an ominous threat.  Will we be free in Heaven?  Yes.  Will we be able to sin?  No.  Again, nothing can do anything other than what nature necessitates and limits it to do.  Notice what Paul praises in Romans 6:17: the Roman Christians’ obedience from the heart.  Heart obedience is true obedience, and true obedience is evidence of God’s liberating work in a person’s life.  Our natural hearts can’t and won’t love God.  So how does God ensure that we are effectually drawn to him and will forever be set on doing his will?  New hearts.  Hearts naturally predisposed to love him and do his will.  This is the Covenant God makes with man through Jesus Christ.  “And I will give you a new heart, and a new spirit I will put within you.  And I will remove the heart of stone from your flesh and give you a heart of flesh” (Ezekiel 36:26).  “But this is the covenant that I will make with the house of Israel after those days, declares the LORD: I will put my law within them, and I will write it on their hearts.  And I will be their God, and they shall be my people” (Jeremiah 31:33).  “I will make with them an everlasting covenant, that I will not turn away from doing good to them.  And I will put the fear of me in their hearts, that they may not turn from me” (Jeremiah 32:40).

This is the great focus point of Calvinism: action according to the necessity of the will.  This is the standard of Christianity: purity at action’s source, the heart.  This is why Jesus tells us that in God’s eyes, hatred is the same thing as murder, and that lust is the same thing as adultery.  As Charles Spurgeon says, God counts heart sin as well as hand sin.  Our hearts flow freely in their channels.  May God direct the channels of your heart toward himself and to a servant-hood of freedom and joy both now and in the age to come.

* “Leviathan.”  Part II, Chapter 21.  Spelling updated by me.

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Posted by thetenthleper

Drink Up Me Hearties, Yo Ho…

April 17, 2008

I thought this was interesting:

For a while now it’s been common knowledge that alcohol consumed in moderation can be very good for you. I say “can” because there will always be some people whose physical condition doesn’t allow them to drink any alcohol at all. But in general, moderate drinking has proven time and again to be very healthy for you. Most of the time you read about its beneficial effects, what you read as “alcohol” more specifically translates into “wine.” Forbes published an article not too long ago however which actually places beer into the healthy category of moderate alcohol consumption. You can read it here.

This doesn’t license us to drink as much as we want without warrant though. As Christians we are called to avoid drunkenness (Ephesians 5:18)and to discern moments in which it might not be beneficial to drink (Romans 14). But this does further underscore the biblically-sanctioned blessing of alcohol, and as Christians we must see it for the gift it was meant to be and set the standard of proper alcohol use in a fallen world of abuse.

For much more fleshed-out thoughts on this subject, I refer you to A Theology of Booze.

Leave a Comment » | Alcohol | Permalink
Posted by thetenthleper