The Tenth Leper

There’s a very fine line between confusion and ingratitude, and it’s a line that I am struggling to keep in sight.  I am currently in a great season of waiting on the Lord for the next step in life.  As I wait, I find it very easy to overlook the significance of the bridge I am on.  My mind so naturally dwells on what just ended and especially on what is to come.  Where I’m at now though often goes completely overlooked or is sometimes seen even as a curse.  Yet where I’m at now is where God loves to bring all his children: to the season of waiting.

Throughout this season I’ve gone through routine sessions of stressing-out over financing seminary, finding a place to live, serve, etc.   During this, I’ve come to realize that the purpose of the waiting season is not merely to end.  This is painfully obvious to the mind, but incredibly powerful to the way I live my life during it.  It’s easy to acknowledge that God has a purpose during this time while I spend hours watching TV shows online.  It’s another thing to use this time to sit and listen to God.  I’ve learned to obsess over moving on, of moving off to wherever I’ll say I’m from.  But if finding that place is all I accomplish, I’ve wasted some amazing opportunities God has for me here.

I’ve lived much of my life under the delusion that the mere transpiring of time equals patience.  In other words, what I’m waiting for in life will come to pass, but that doesn’t mean I waited for it patiently.  I too often pat myself on the back for putting up with things I can’t control.  God isn’t impressed by our ability to still be breathing when the next stage of life comes.  This summer I’ve found myself at times to be full of ingratitude for the place I’m at, and that has been due to impatience in my waiting for what is sure to take place.  This is symptomatic of misinterpreting the purpose of waiting.  The purpose of waiting on God is not to receive instructions on the next stage of life.  It’s to refocus on God himself, the one who directs our lives as he pleases regardless of our cognizance of it.  Two verses have helped me out a lot this summer with regard to this:

“A man’s steps are from the LORD; how then can man understand his way?”
-Proverbs 20:24

“‘I know, O LORD, that the way of man is not in himself, that it is not in man who walks to direct his steps.’”
-Jeremiah 10:23

Confusion about life’s path is biblically-sanctioned.  I’m not supposed to know certain things.  Consequently God hasn’t called me to a season of waiting to tell me what’s going to come next.  That will happen, but only when the season is meant to end.  Waiting does not inform us.  It prepares us.  What does it profit me or those I’m around if I move off somewhere without being prepared for it?  It’s okay to be confused about what God is doing, just so long as we trust that he is doing what is best for us and most glorifying to him.  When confusion leads us to consider the unchanging God and trust him with our lives, when the uncertainties of life lead us to ponder the certainties of his love for us, we will have waited well.  We will have waited patiently.  But to spend what should be a time of reflection looking only ahead will lead only to confusion.  To assume that we’re supposed to find out that which God has purposed to keep hidden for now is to take our minds off God himself and put an enormous weight on our own shoulders.  It not only wastes what God intends to be a fruitful season, but in so doing it negates the entire purpose of the season, transforming it into a season of ingratitude.  This is the difference between one of the most fruitful seasons of life and one of the worst.

I’ve definitely bordered on the latter during this time.  But God in his grace has continually given me fresh eyes.  Walking by faith and not by sight is how I’m to live my entire life, and there is no better time for me to be reminded of this and practice it than where I’m at now.  I’ve been journaling a ton and have been reading some of my journals from the past five years to reflect on what God has done.  I must forget none of his benefits (Psalm 103:2).  Now is the time to reflect on all he has done and say “Till now the LORD has helped [me]” (1 Samuel 7:12).  The man whose tongue is abundant in thanksgiving for all God has done for him, whose heart firmly trusts him is the man who is ready for what’s next in life.  As a result of this time of waiting, may I be quicker to run to God, quicker to thank him, and quicker to acknowledge his absolute sovereignty over my life.  In short, may I be closer to God.  Anxiety kills intimacy with God, and it should never characterize where I am in life now or ever.  It is often in the quietest moments of our lives that God speaks to us the most.  And for all my confusion, I can’t deny that it has been a good season.

Further verses for reflection:

“Trust in the LORD with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding.  In all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make straight your paths.”
-Proverbs 3:5-6

“The Lord is at hand; do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God.”
-Philippians 4:5-6

“When the cares of my heart are many, your consolations cheer my soul.”
-Psalm 94:19

“[Cast] all your anxities on him, because he cares for you.”
-1 Peter 5:7

“for we walk by faith, not by sight.”
-2 Corinthians 5:7

Christ will never leave us:

“‘And behold, I am with you always, to the end of the age.’”
-Matthew 28:20

“…’I will never leave you nor forsake you.’”
Hebrews 13:5, cf. Joshua 1:5