A month ago today I arrived at my new home in Philadelphia. Two weeks later, I arrived back in Texas, and on the 21st of this month I’ll be moving in to my new apartment in Dallas with a dear brother in the Lord. Suffice it to say, 2009 has been extremely fast-paced and unpredictable! This is a brief reflection on all that has transpired, the causes for it, and the spiritual impact it has been having on my life.

Seminary has been a desired destination of mine for probably five and a half years now. In the Fall of 2007, Westminster Theological Seminary first came to my attention. It, along with a school in Boston, became the two schools I gave all my attention towards. I decided it would be one or the other. For most of 2008, the question of where to go loomed in the back of my mind. I was choosing between two schools and three locations since Westminster had a Dallas campus. Boston was my numero uno choice for a long time. Eventually it began to be eclipsed by Westminster. For a while though I had decided that if I went to Westminster, I’d just go to its Dallas campus. I officially ruled Philadelphia out. Then Philly became my main focus, eclipsing Dallas. After months and months of wrestling through decisions and praying, I became intent on going to Philadelphia to Westminster Theological Seminary.

After finding a place to live which didn’t require me to sign a lease, I decided to go ahead and move up in January. Since I didn’t officially have a job and wasn’t certain I would have one upon arriving in Philly, a lease-less residence afforded me the freedom to bail on the whole endeavor if nothing worked out. In case it didn’t work out and I came back to Dallas, I wanted to know what it would take to transfer my acceptance to Westminster to its Dallas campus. Wanting only to see what it would take, I visited the campus in Dallas. On this trip, I got introduced to many students and professors, one of which invited me to lunch the following the week. This invitation was literally the second thing out of his mouth after his greetings to me. This was a Tuesday. I accepted the lunch date for the following Tuesday.

Four days later on Saturday, I decided to take the plunge and I called the owners of the house that I’d found to live at in Philly and let them know I was going to be coming the next weekend. Again, keep in mind that my visit to WTS Dallas wasn’t me deciding if I wanted to go there. It was just me finding out if I could go there if I needed to come back to Texas. I knew that Mike (the professor I was having lunch with) was going to try to get me to stay on our lunch date, so I wondered if I should cancel our appointment. In the end, I decided to meet with him as planned. I felt a little bad about making a final decision before I actually met with him, but I figured if nothing else he could impart wisdom to me as a new seminarian.

When I got there the following Tuesday, he told me that we would be joined by the campus president Steve, and Jason, the director of recruiting. “Oh this will be akward,” I thought. We went to lunch, and I told them my current plans, and they were totally cool about it. After lunch I met with Steve and Jason for a while back at the seminary, and Steve offered me a deal that ultimately I couldn’t say no to. How to pay for seminary was a huge concern for me. I want to pay out of pocket for this degree. To do that I’m going to work and save money and also raise some support. I’m pretty much refusing to go into debt. If I don’t have money, I just won’t go that semester. That’s my goal. If I ever did decide to take out any loans, I won’t take more out than I can pay back quickly.

Anywho, the seminary in Dallas is offering some pretty generous scholarships. I must say that this was the answer to my prayers for financial provision. From that point, I heavily began to consider Dallas. Additionally I got to meet some stellar professors (and one in particular) who made quite an impression on me. Plus there were many personal benefits for being in Dallas. I almost didn’t leave at all for Philadelphia after that meeting. But I decided to go ahead and go that Friday, three days after my lunch with them, promising to keep in touch with them.

After a couple weeks of number-crunching, meditation, and prayer, along with the fact that the job situation wasn’t really panning out, I began to move towards returning to Dallas. Originally I had thought that if I left Philly, I’d leave toward the end of February and start seminary either in the summer or in the fall. The family I was staying with allowed my month’s rent to be considered from 1/15- 2/15, which gave me the option of getting back quicker if I needed to. I started to look at the class schedule for the spring semester at Westminster Dallas (which began February 5). Hypothetically putting together a possible class schedule I began to postulate the crazy idea of starting then and not waiting until later in the year. I started e-mailing Steve back and forth and got the okay to go ahead and register for classes for the spring. To put the speed at which all this happened in perspective, from the day I decided to move back and start seminary in Dallas to the day I attended my first seminary class, there was a period of less than a week. I decided probably Friday, left Monday, arrived home at 4:45pm Wednesday, and left for my first class fifteen minutes later.

Two weeks later I’ve recovered from one of the busiest weeks of my adult life. I’ve just recently been rehired with a Barnes & Noble in Dallas and move in to my new apartment this Saturday. Class has been going wonderful so far, and I’m blessed to be sitting under some wonderful teachers of God’s Word. I’ve also been befriending people quickly there. The reading load is pretty intense, but I’m so happy to have books like these as my school textbooks.

Through all of this, I keep thinking of James’s warnings against arrogant boasting of tomorrow (James 4:13-17). God officially took months of planning, made a thousand adjustments, and handed it back to me. I wasn’t necessarily boasting arrogantly, but still I’m in awe of how completely different my life is shaping up to be than what I had planned. Life can change in an instant, so I should hold my plans very loosely. Through all of my planning, Proverbs 16:9 has been close to my heart: “The heart of man plans his way, but the LORD establishes his steps.” On the flip side of Philadelphia, I can only read this verse and chuckle to myself about its veracity. Also relevant is Proverbs 19:21- “Many are the plans in the mind of a man, but it is the purpose of the LORD that will stand.”

Contentment. If there’s one thing I’d say God has done in me in the past month, he’s grown me in contentment. I’ve been reminded how its ultimately God’s plan that determines where I am and where I go. I’ve tasted afresh his sovereignty and providence. And this inherently causes one to achieve new levels of relaxation and therefore peace. My plans may fall through, and I love it, because God’s plans don’t. He’s never surprised. These unexpected turns cause me to remember that God is in control and that I am safe. God has promised to be good to me, and events like those of the last month help me to be content in letting God decide how he wants to do that. I don’t deserve the slightest mercy from him. He doesn’t owe it to me. So for him to not only be good to me, but to be abundantly good, and on top of that, for him to PROMISE this goodness (Romans 8:28, Lamentations 3:25, Psalm 23:6)…I can only respond in utmost gratitude for the privilege of being known by God and knowing him in return (Psalm 116:12, Romans 8:32).

“my cup overflows” – Psalm 23:5

There’s a very fine line between confusion and ingratitude, and it’s a line that I am struggling to keep in sight.  I am currently in a great season of waiting on the Lord for the next step in life.  As I wait, I find it very easy to overlook the significance of the bridge I am on.  My mind so naturally dwells on what just ended and especially on what is to come.  Where I’m at now though often goes completely overlooked or is sometimes seen even as a curse.  Yet where I’m at now is where God loves to bring all his children: to the season of waiting.

Throughout this season I’ve gone through routine sessions of stressing-out over financing seminary, finding a place to live, serve, etc.   During this, I’ve come to realize that the purpose of the waiting season is not merely to end.  This is painfully obvious to the mind, but incredibly powerful to the way I live my life during it.  It’s easy to acknowledge that God has a purpose during this time while I spend hours watching TV shows online.  It’s another thing to use this time to sit and listen to God.  I’ve learned to obsess over moving on, of moving off to wherever I’ll say I’m from.  But if finding that place is all I accomplish, I’ve wasted some amazing opportunities God has for me here.

I’ve lived much of my life under the delusion that the mere transpiring of time equals patience.  In other words, what I’m waiting for in life will come to pass, but that doesn’t mean I waited for it patiently.  I too often pat myself on the back for putting up with things I can’t control.  God isn’t impressed by our ability to still be breathing when the next stage of life comes.  This summer I’ve found myself at times to be full of ingratitude for the place I’m at, and that has been due to impatience in my waiting for what is sure to take place.  This is symptomatic of misinterpreting the purpose of waiting.  The purpose of waiting on God is not to receive instructions on the next stage of life.  It’s to refocus on God himself, the one who directs our lives as he pleases regardless of our cognizance of it.  Two verses have helped me out a lot this summer with regard to this:

“A man’s steps are from the LORD; how then can man understand his way?”
-Proverbs 20:24

“‘I know, O LORD, that the way of man is not in himself, that it is not in man who walks to direct his steps.’”
-Jeremiah 10:23

Confusion about life’s path is biblically-sanctioned.  I’m not supposed to know certain things.  Consequently God hasn’t called me to a season of waiting to tell me what’s going to come next.  That will happen, but only when the season is meant to end.  Waiting does not inform us.  It prepares us.  What does it profit me or those I’m around if I move off somewhere without being prepared for it?  It’s okay to be confused about what God is doing, just so long as we trust that he is doing what is best for us and most glorifying to him.  When confusion leads us to consider the unchanging God and trust him with our lives, when the uncertainties of life lead us to ponder the certainties of his love for us, we will have waited well.  We will have waited patiently.  But to spend what should be a time of reflection looking only ahead will lead only to confusion.  To assume that we’re supposed to find out that which God has purposed to keep hidden for now is to take our minds off God himself and put an enormous weight on our own shoulders.  It not only wastes what God intends to be a fruitful season, but in so doing it negates the entire purpose of the season, transforming it into a season of ingratitude.  This is the difference between one of the most fruitful seasons of life and one of the worst.

I’ve definitely bordered on the latter during this time.  But God in his grace has continually given me fresh eyes.  Walking by faith and not by sight is how I’m to live my entire life, and there is no better time for me to be reminded of this and practice it than where I’m at now.  I’ve been journaling a ton and have been reading some of my journals from the past five years to reflect on what God has done.  I must forget none of his benefits (Psalm 103:2).  Now is the time to reflect on all he has done and say “Till now the LORD has helped [me]” (1 Samuel 7:12).  The man whose tongue is abundant in thanksgiving for all God has done for him, whose heart firmly trusts him is the man who is ready for what’s next in life.  As a result of this time of waiting, may I be quicker to run to God, quicker to thank him, and quicker to acknowledge his absolute sovereignty over my life.  In short, may I be closer to God.  Anxiety kills intimacy with God, and it should never characterize where I am in life now or ever.  It is often in the quietest moments of our lives that God speaks to us the most.  And for all my confusion, I can’t deny that it has been a good season.

Further verses for reflection:

“Trust in the LORD with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding.  In all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make straight your paths.”
-Proverbs 3:5-6

“The Lord is at hand; do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God.”
-Philippians 4:5-6

“When the cares of my heart are many, your consolations cheer my soul.”
-Psalm 94:19

“[Cast] all your anxities on him, because he cares for you.”
-1 Peter 5:7

“for we walk by faith, not by sight.”
-2 Corinthians 5:7

Christ will never leave us:

“‘And behold, I am with you always, to the end of the age.’”
-Matthew 28:20

“…’I will never leave you nor forsake you.’”
Hebrews 13:5, cf. Joshua 1:5

“Two roads converged in a yellow wood,
and sorry that I could not travel both…”
-Robert Frost

In my case it’s three roads.  Three roads and then another one I’m calling “God’s Unexpected Fourth Option.”  For the past few months I’ve had my relocation options whittled down to a solid three, and I’ve been going back and forth on where to go.  Each city presents its own strengths and opportunities.  Each has its own inherent interests for me, and each their respective challenges.  And whenever I feel like I’ve made a decision, part of me starts to doubt whether I’m willing to give up on the other cities.

There are several lessons I’ve learned during my time in College Station concerning the will of God that have guided me during this decision-making process.  More recently I’ve been learning about hope and wisdom.  Hope is a word thrown around lightly in our culture.  We “hope” a movie will be good, that we can wake up on time, that there won’t be any traffic.  This “hope” is nothing more than an expression of our projected desires, and their fulfillment is anything but certain.  Scripture often uses the word “hope” in a much stronger sense.  It is used to refer to the anticipation of something certain, specifically, the return of Christ and the restoration of all things.  Paul writes “Through him we have also obtained access by faith into this grace in which we stand, and we rejoice in hope of the glory of God” (Romans 5:2).  He’s not saying “I hope that God will get glory!”  God WILL glorify himself.  His glory is the reason we even exist.  His hope in the glory of God is confident enough to make him “rejoice” in it.  Paul prays for the Ephesians, that “having the eyes of your hearts enlightened…you may know what is the hope to which he has called you, what are the riches of his glorious inheritance in the sains” (Ephesians 1:18).  In 1 Thessalonians 5:8, he tells the believers to put on as a helmet “the hope of salvation.”  Do Christians sit around saying “I hope I end up saved”?  No.  Paul is much more confident, as we see in the next verse: “For God has not destined us for wrath but to obtain salvation through our Lord Jesus Christ.”  He greets Titus “in hope of eternal life” (Titus 1:2), and shortly after we see the greatest example of Christian hope, our “blessed hope”: “the appearing of the glory of our great God and Savior Jesus Christ” (Titus 2:13).  Such things are anything but uncertain.  Paul’s great hope was in the return of Christ, something he knew was sure to happen.  It is hope because it enables us to see past the difficulties of this life.  No matter how bad life may become, we know that its ultimate culmination is the return of Jesus to give us indestructable bodies, a new earth, and himself forever.  Hope is not hot air.

Wisdom, I have found, is letting hope of the future govern how I live in the present.  For example, how does the hope of eternal riches affect how I spend earthly riches?  Is it not foolish to spend all my resources on things I can’t have after I die?  Wisdom is to see the end of things.  That’s why wise people are often depicted as older, because they understand the desires of youth and what will follow should they be pursued and carried out to fulfillment.  A young person for example may act on sexual impulse and sleep with many people.  A wise person would look ahead though and see the outcomes of such actions.  In Psalm 73 (one of my favorites), Asaph is struggling with God, trying to understand why such wicked people seem to prosper while he, a God-fearing man, doesn’t.  They are at such ease in their sinful lives.  “But when I thought how to understand this, it seemed to me a wearisome task…”  What helped him though? “…until I went into the sanctuary of God; then I discerned their end” (Psalm 73:16-17).  Meditating in God’s presence, Asaph was comforted by a fresh realization of the end of sin.  Sin may profit in this life, and as a Christian this can be very discouraging to watch.  God does love you and has a wonderful eternity for you, but he may break you in this life to get you there.  And we can only find comfort when we discern the end of the alternative.  And that is the inherent joy of wisdom.

So how has this helped me in the relocation decision?  God has given me help from Hebrews 11.  After receiving the promise of a land for his descendants, it is said that Abraham was looking beyond that “to the city that has foundations, whose designer and builder is God” (Hebrews 11:10).  Speaking of the Israelites it says “These all died in faith, not having received the things promised, but having seen them and greeted them from afar, and having acknowledged that they were strangers and exiles on the earth.  For people who speak thus make it clear that they are seeking a homeland.  If they had been thinking of that land from which they had gone out, they would have had opportunity to return.  But as it is, they desire a better country, that is, a heavenly one.  Therefore God is not ashamed to be called their God, for he has prepared for them a city” (Hebrews 11:13-16).  For a decision like where to move, and thousands of others like it, the Bible doesn’t tell us the answer.  I’m no closer to knowing which city I’m going to end up in than I was a couple months ago.  But I care less.  I’m less apprehensive.  I’ve come to realize that I am more than where I live.  Wherever I go, ministry will be there.  And ultimately it doesn’t matter, because all of Christ’s descendants are moving to the same city (Hebrews 11:16), the heavenly city.  I’ve learned to stop focusing so much on these earthly cities and instead on the one I know I’ll eventually end up in.  And this gives me great comfort.

It is a cruel deceit to confuse God’s destination and God’s path.  Life’s million little decisions should be guided by prayer, counsel, and wisdom.  But the most important decision in life that makes everything else insignificant until addressed is what to do about this Jesus, who was crucified and risen to give those decisions any hope of being truly significant.  And then when Christ has sealed us and given us hope of what is to come and the wisdom to know how to live now, thousands of blessings will come to us in the guise of choices.  Don’t stress over them, for the road that splits into two will eventually converge again at a place called home.

So pick your blessings.

“And God said, ‘Behold, I have given you every plant yielding seed that is on the face of all the earth, and every tree with seed in its fruit.  You shall have them for food.’”
-Genesis 1:29

“Let your speech always be gracious, seasoned with salt, so that you may know how you ought to answer each person.
-Colossians 4:6

“Through him then let us continually offer up a sacrifice of praise to God, that is, the fruit of lips that acknowledge his name.”
-Hebrews 13:15

Ryan Dobson wrote a book once called “Be Intolerant (Because Some Things Are Just Stupid).” Is it a good book? I don’t know, never read it. I just like the title.

It’s been a startling revelation to me over the past year how unfruitful, stagnant, and destructive so much of conversation is amongst those who profess the name of Jesus as their savior. In the past I’ve just let it slip, thinking it humorous and thinking it none of my business to step up and say “Uhhh, maybe we shouldn’t be talking about this?” I’m constantly being brought to a place though where I’m becoming much more intolerant of stupid stuff Christians do, particularly in the area of the spoken word. The following are things I’ve noticed and/or finally resolved to take a stand against. I haven’t really had too many opportunities to implement these yet, so this is moreso me thinking aloud. Nevertheless, here are things I feel need to change.

1) Racism. It really hit me how much racism we tolerate in our conversations sometimes. Now I’m not talking about outright racism as in calling blacks or Jews or hispanics inferior. I don’t know anyone who believes any race is inferior to their own. What I’m talking about is much more subtle. Its the stereotypes we appeal to which reinforce differentiations between races. Why weren’t there more Mexicans at the Alamo? Because they only had two trucks. Black people only eat fried chicken, and they’re most likely to be criminals. I’ve heard so many jokes from Christians about stuff like this, and it is so far from innocent fun. Appealing to stuff like this, even jokingly, reinforces the idea that all Mexicans are poor and that blacks are criminals. Am I being a stickler? No, because a lot of racism starts out just as mere jokes. Furthermore, even IF joking about this stuff doesn’t produce ANY racist feelings in you at all, what if a Mexican were to overhear a supposed Follower of Jesus Christ make a derogatory joke about their race? Saying you were only joking will not repair the damage you just caused to your witness and to the name of Christ. “There is neither Jew nor Greek, their is neither slave nor free, there is no male and female, for you are all one in Christ Jesus” (Galatians 3:28).

2) Sexual Immorality. Its truly amazing how deeply coarse sexual joking is in some Christian circles. Ephesians 5:3 says that “sexual immorality and all impurity or covetousness must not even be named among you, as is proper among saints.” We are to have thanksgiving (v. 4). It is shameful even to speak of such things (v. 12). Some friends and I have had to talk about this. Sometimes its easy to believe that such talk is permissible in the context of quotes. I love the TV show “The Office.” It’s freaking hilarious. That doesn’t mean that everything in there is worth repeating though. “That’s what she said” jokes are a recurring joke in the show. They’re clever, I’ll give it that. Yet I can’t think of a single one of those jokes that’s appropriate. We send a polluted, mixed message to the world when we who preach abstinence until marriage start joking about sexual matters. Committing to wait until marriage to have sex does not give us a pass to treat lightly the sins of others. We send a mixed single to the church as well. Keep in mind that we are living in a society in which the Christian divorce rate is as high as non-Christian divorce rates.

3) Sarcasm. Friends and I have also had to talk about this. Sarcasm is incredibly destructive and is prevalent among some groups because its easy. It is the antithesis of encouragement and building up, something which is an indispensible part of the Christian life (Hebrews 3:13). Sacrasm is to the gift of fellowship what cancer is to a normal cell. It does nothing but tear down. Taken to a degree it will make some people genuinely afraid to speak for fear of getting made fun of. It will make some afraid to ask questions about God or the Bible, and such questions must always be welcomed. Anything we do to discourage anything which will build greater unity among friends and family is a failure on our part. No one is to feel unwelcomed in the Body of Christ.

4) “Holy.” I’ve come to realize that I use the word Holy quite frequently, and oftentimes not in the context of God. “Holy Crap” and “Holy Schnikes” are phrases commonly uttered by myself. This is something I want to cut out of my life completely. There is a serious danger to using the word Holy outside the context of God. Doing so carries with it the implication that anything other than God is holy. As a result, what was a word which commanded utmost reverence is watered-down to the point of virtual impotence. I use the same word to describe God that I use to describe crap and cows. Obviously I don’t use these phrases with the intention of saying that anything can equal God’s holiness. Nevertheless, I am still unintentionally bringing God’s reputation down many degrees, which in turn kills worship. I use this word so often so wrongly that its hard for me to grasp the words of the heavenly creatures who sing all day long “Holy, holy, holy, is the Lord God Almighty, who was and is and is to come!” (Revelation 4:8)

In case you didn’t know, I had the pleasure this past spring break of spending the week up in Vancouver, Whistler, Seattle, Olympia, and everywhere in between. Below is a nice concise list of what me and my buddy Marcus were up to while up there. Marcus wrote the list, and my comments appear in brackets.

-Stayed in sweet Bayshore Apts. right on the bay
-Had amazing tea
-Ate at a genuine Mongolian buffet
-Walked the seawall
-Biked through famous Stanley Park [absolutely beautiful]
-Saw belugas at Vancouver aquarium
-Holy crap, learned that narwhals are a real creature!
-Explored Vancouver’s trendy Robson St., entertainment district, Gastown, Chinatown
-Visited the Vancouver Art Museum
-Had some good clam chowder at Canada’s Tim Morton’s restaurant [Tim Horton rather]
-Drove the beautiful Sea-to-Sky Highway to Whistler [The highway that inspired the title of Bon Jovi's album "Slippery When Wet"]
-Saw the future sights of the 2010 Winter Olympic Games
-Hiked some
-Drove in snow…and did a 360 on the road [Marcus was very calm and handled it very well]
-Spent the night with some random family in Whistler [We had very distant connections with them. They have a son who is friends with a friend of mine.]
-Visited Regent College and saw freaking J.I. Packer(if you don’t know who he is, that’s your problem) [Me visiting Regent was technically what the whole trip was about]
-Accidentally left Canada and had to go back through customs [they searched our car. it was a fiasco]
-Drove to Seattle
-Listened to a lot of Michael Jackson, Keane, and Sufjan, because all the radio plays is Nickelback or bands that freaking sound just like Nickelback [he forgot Justin Timberlake]
-Saw 300…another one of Frank Miller’s propagandic puff pieces
-Stumbled into a Nine Inch Nails listening party in downtown Seattle
-Went to Mt. Rainier National Park
-Visited Mars Hill Church in Seattle, home to Pastor Mark Driscoll [one of my favorite preachers, and an awesome church]
-Went in the Space Needle [awesome 360 view of skyscrapers, the ocean, and mountains]
-Saw the origins of grunge and a guitar that Jimi Hendrix smashed at the Experience Music Project museum
-Walked through Pikes Place Market [truly a market. a guy was playing a piano on a corner for cash]
-Got a Cinnamon Dolce from the world’s first Starbucks [he did, I got a white chocolate mocha!]