Archive for category The Christian Life

The Single Man Gets Married: Two Reflections on My Single Life

[Here's a couple of reflections I jotted down earlier in the week about singleness.  Figured I'd get this out there before I leave on my honeymoon tomorrow!]

As of this Saturday I’m going to be a married man, and a big part of me still can’t believe I get to say that.  Many people have gone through long periods of singleness in their lives, but I’ve so often felt like the singlest of singles.  Seriously: I went through all my college life without going on a single date, and then a couple more years after college.  I had almost an entire decade between dates.  The first one I went on in my twenties was right before I turned 27.  Adding salt to the wound is the fact that I’m a hopeless romantic.  I’m the guy who likes to buy flowers, write notes, open the car door, etc.  So my many, many dateless Friday nights belonged not to a single who felt he wanted to serve the Lord as a single man for the rest of his life.  No, I often spent those evenings with a heart that was aching to be with someone.

Though girlfriends in my life have been few and far between, I’d always held out an intense optimism that I’d meet my soul mate one day.  I’ve been convinced so many times that I’d found “the One”, only to end up heartbroken and frustrated.  Typically my love went unrequited.  Still I held out hope that “the One” was still to come (or that the one who broke my heart would realize her mistake). But when I hit my mid-twenties and had no prospects at all, I began to be doubtful for the first time in my life that I’d ever marry.  I felt in my heart that God had built me for marriage, but I struggled to recognize that with the fact that girls just didn’t seem to notice me in the way I wanted to be noticed.

Singleness had long felt like an unwanted part of my identity.  I was sick of hearing sermons on dating.  I was sick of hearing preachers talk about finding a wife as if it was as easy as going to pick up something from the store.  I was very cynical when preachers (married preachers) would encourage singles to live up their singleness and embrace it as a gift from God.  ”Good advice,” I thought, “from the guy who’s going to go home and sleep next to the woman he loves tonight.”  It felt like a beggar-turned-millionaire telling beggars how awesome the beggar life is and then flying off in his private jet.

So it’s with utter humility and weirdness that I get to be that guy now.  There’s probably a million reflections concerning singleness I could come up with given enough time, but for now here’s two…

Reflection #1: Circumstances Don’t Change Idols.

It took me a long time to realize it, but my desire for a wife had straight up become an idol.  There was a long period of time that I felt like life wasn’t worth getting excited about if I was going to do it as a single guy.  By way of reminder, wanting a spouse is a good desire.  What’s bad is when it becomes a need.

All I wanted when I was single was someone to love and hold.  And it hurt to not have it.  So when Krystal came into my life, that want went away, right?  Not even close.  On the surface it looked like I just wanted to be married.  But deep in my heart I was suffering from approval idolatry.  I needed the affirmation and acceptance that I believed a wife would offer.  When I didn’t get that, I lamented that I was unloveable and that no woman would ever want to marry me.  Yet when I got a woman who loves me and wanted to marry me, that didn’t solve the problem.  See, I still crave that affirmation like crazy.  The context just looks different.  In singleness, that unmet need for affirmation resulted in an inner voice telling me that I’d die alone.  In dating and engagement, whenever I upset Krystal or hurt her in any way, that inner voice tells me that she’s disappointed in me and is having second thoughts about whether or not she wants to be with me.  And when I upset her in marriage, I imagine that voice will tell me that she’s wondering if she feels like she made a mistake in marrying me.  ”Yeah she said she wanted to be with me forever, but she didn’t have all the info on me.  She didn’t know how rotten I was, and now she’s having buyer’s remorse.”

I wish I’d known earlier that having a woman in my life doesn’t magically cure my loneliness.  In one sense I did know it.  I’d heard it a million times before from preachers that a spouse ultimately couldn’t satisfy, only Jesus could.   But deep down I always assumed the people saying that could only say it because they didn’t desire to be married as much as I did.  They didn’t know how deeply my desire ran, I thought.  But now I realize that I am fighting the same battle in my heart when I fail Krystal as I did on all those lonely Friday nights as a single with no prospects.

Reflection #2: Know What God Has Promised You.

This is a big one.  You may have a strong prompting from the Holy Spirit that you’re supposed to be married.  You may even have a strong prompting of the person you’re supposed to be married to.  But it’s one thing to feel led by the Spirit and another to trust in a promise from God.  When all is said and done, God has not promised you a spouse.  When I first confessed that out loud it was pretty hard to accept.  But as I repeated it over and over it became a great comfort to me.

We’re all like the Israelites in the wilderness after Egypt.  They didn’t trust God to provide for them.  So they complained.  More specifically, they grumbled because they didn’t trust that God was good.  My grumbling in singleness was a grumbling against God’s goodness.  It was a declaration that “I am single, and I shouldn’t be.  God hasn’t given me what he should.”  To add sin to sin, I’d mask my frustration by trying to make it look religious.  I wasn’t “grumbling”, I just “had a deep desire from God to be married.”

I wish I’d seen that there is a distinction between being burdened and grumbling.  For example it’s one thing for a believer to have a burden to go minister to a certain people group overseas or go plant a church in a certain city.  It’s another thing to want to go do those things because you’re grumbling about how materialistic and uncool your ministry opportunities are in your current locale.  (Dallas hipster reformed Christians like me struggle with this a lot, ‘cuz I mean…Dallas.)  I believe God has always put a desire for marriage into my heart.  I believe he built me for it.  But I wish I had owned that and then just trusted him to do something about it rather than feel like I should help him out because his timing wasn’t good. (Should’ve studied the life of Abraham more closely.)

Before Krystal and I started dating, God began to flood me with comfort when I began to simply accept that he wasn’t out to screw me over.  It did wonders for me to simply focus on what he had promised me.  For instance, he had promised to be good to me. (Romans 8:28)  God is in the process of spiraling everything in your life toward your good and his glory, and if that doesn’t comfort you, the problem isn’t in the truth but in your definition of “good.”  I started trusting his promise rather than my feelings, and the result was comfort.  Additionally (and especially with regard to singleness), I banked on his promise in Psalm 84:11- “For the LORD is a sun and shield; the LORD bestows favor and honor.  No good thing does he withhold from those who walk uprightly.”  God’s not a withholding God.  He wasn’t holding out on me in the blessings department because I was single.  I realized that I was no less blessed than my married friends.  He doesn’t always bless in the same way, but he’s in the business of lavishing blessing upon every single one of his children.  This is a very clear Biblical truth (see Ephesians 1:3 and 2 Peter 1:3-4) that I could either choose to trust or not.

1 Comment

Gauging Self-Righteousness in Conflicts

“How we respond when we think we’ve been sinned against can reveal self-righteousness,” writes Dave Harvey.  He defines self-righteousness as “a sense of moral superiority that appoints us as prosecutor of other people’s sinfulness.  We relate to others as if we are incapable of the sins they commit.”  Mr. Harvey is talking about the importance of being merciful in the context of marriage and how our own self-righteousness undermines our ability to be merciful to our spouse.  He gives a few questions for believers to ask themselves to see if they are suffering from self-righteousness when encountering a conflict.  Again, the context is marriage, but the principles transcend into all relationships, from you best friend Roberto to that weird guy Sven you met at that one party who has a weird laugh and collects novelty coffee mugs.  Shoot, to all the people in your life that you’re just down-right better than.  So to gauge your sense of self-righteousness in the context of all interpersonal relationships in your life, ask yourself the following:

  • Am I self-confident that I see the supposed “facts” clearly?
  • Am I quick to assign motives when I feel I’ve been wronged?
  • Do I find it easy to build a case against someone that makes me seem right and him or her seem wrong?
  • Do I ask questions with built-in assumptions I believe will be proven right?  Or do I ask impartial questions- the kind that genuinely seek new information regardless of its implications for my preferred outcome?
  • Am I overly concerned about who is to blame for something?
  • Am I able to dismiss questions like these as irrelevant?

(Questions from Dave Harvey, When Sinners Say “I Do”- Discovering the Power of the Gospel for Marriage)

“…[Love] keeps no record of being wronged.”
1 Corinthians 13:5 (NLT)

“…in Christ God was reconciling the world to himself, not counting their trespasses against them.”
2 Corinthians 5:19 (ESV)

Leave a Comment

Truths to Be Governed By

This weekend I started a list called “Truths to be Governed By.”  That list has the potential to be really long, and due to time constraints I only popped out two truths.  The list was meant to be shared with my girlfriend for the purposes of making sure that we are maintaining a biblical perspective of our relationship, but as these truths transcend that context and should dominate all kinds of relationships, I thought I’d share.

Truth #1: Jesus is coming back, and we should get more excited about that than anything else.

1 Peter 1:13 has encouraged me a lot over the past couple of years: “Therefore, preparing your minds for action, and being sober-minded, set your hope fully on the grace that will be brought to you at the revelation of Jesus Christ.”  Set your hope on Christ’s return, not on graduation from school, not on finding the perfect job, and not on getting married.  Hebrews 9:28 says that he is coming back “to save those who are eagerly waiting for him.”  Are you more excited about this than anything else?  If not, what is it you want to do before he returns?  (That’s another way of asking “What are the idols in your life?”)  I’m ecstatic about getting married one day, but I should be more ecstatic about the return of Jesus.  And when he returns, marriage as we know it (which is a metaphor for Christ and his bride, the Church) will cease to be.  As I told my girlfriend, we should be longing for a world to come in which she and I won’t be married.  One of the great ways any two Christians can love each other is to help whet each others’ appetite for Christ’s return so that it becomes their foremost hope and desire.

Truth #2: The ultimate marriage will take place when Christ returns, so we should be preparing more for that marriage than for a marriage with each other.

Over and over, we are exhorted as Christians to be ready for Jesus’ return (Matthew 24:42, 25:1-13, 1 Thessalonians 5:6, Revelation 16:15).  My girlfriend and I are preparing for a potential marriage by getting to know each other better and asking questions relevant to making a wise decision on the matter.  But again, marriage between man and woman is a shadow of the reality of the coming marriage between Christ and his Church.  As good and important as it is for her and me to be asking questions concerning parenting, lifestyle, and finances, we should be exerting more time and energy into preparing for THE marriage.  Sanctification is God’s will for his children (1 Thessalonians 4:3).  We will all eventually be married, and pursuing sanctification (growing to look more and more like Christ) is the way to prepare for that.    

Leave a Comment

Being a Single Christian Guy on Valentine’s Day

A late-March entry about Valentine’s Day? Believe it. Depending on whether you’re on the “half-pipe is complete” end of the spectrum or the “half-pipe is only half awesome” end, I’m either a month late or 11 months early. Let’s go latter! Below I’ve included an entry from my journal from a month ago about some of my meditations on being a single Christian man on the day Saint Valentine was beheaded. I’ve gone ahead and included some “month after” commentary after doing some more reflection on this subject lately.

2/14/09

“I want you to be free from anxieties. The unmarried man is anxious about the things of the Lord, how to please the Lord. But the married man is anxious about worldly things, how to please his wife, and his interests are divided. And the unmarried or betrothed woman is anxious about the things of the Lord, how to be holy in body and spirit. But the married woman is anxious about worldly things, how to please her husband. I say this for your own benefit, not to lay any restraint upon you, but to promote good order and to secure your undivided devotion to the Lord.”

1 Corinthians 7:32-35

Valentine’s Day. And God is GOOD. More and more, he is faithfully bringing me to a place where the above passage is not just a lofty ideal to aspire to but an inward reality to be enjoyed. I feel like I’m no longer having to convince myself that I’m happy in my singleness. I just feel more content. But in no way is my desire marriage depleted. It’s still there. But I didn’t care being single today. I credit this to becoming increasingly dependent on God’s promise to be good to me (Romans 8:28). By focusing on the promised end (all things working together for good), I rest and let God decide how he wants to do this. God has and will continue to lavish his goodness upon. If he can be most good (and most glorified) by keeping me single forever, I will gladly accept. If he will be most good by partnering me with a wife, then that’s what he will do. It is liberating to belive God when he promises to be good. This inherently crushes dissatisfaction. For if we are in despair over singleness, we’re essentially trusting in our own definition of “good” and not God’s. Our primary good is the knowledge of God by which we are saved (John 17:3), which he pours out on us (Ephesians 1:3, 2 Peter 1:3).

The Christian is to be preoccupied with that which will carry over into eternity. The institute of marriage as we know it will be a casualty of the consummated Kingdom. Thus, a preoccupation with marriage in and of itself is foolish at best and idolatrous at worst. Preoccupied with eternity, the Christian should pursue marriage as a means of producing more fruit, more treasures, and more glory to God (Galatians 5:22-23, Matthew 6:19-21, Ephesians 1:6,12,14)*. My attitude about marriage should be governed by the realization that people won’t marry in the new earth. This realization forces a Christocentric recontextualization of marriage itself.

In all of this, I’m learning to see the world more in relation to Christ. And because it’s not necessary to be married in order to serve and meditate on him, I’m growing more content in my circumstances.

“Thanks be to God for his inexpressible gift!”

-2 Corinthians 9:15

(end entry)

The working definition of wisdom I’ve been living off of for the past few months is this: Wisdom is seeing the end state of all things and living in light of that in the temporal (or something to that effect). So when Jesus says that “in the resurrection they neither marry nor are given in marriage” (Matthew 22:30), how should that affect how I live now? How much control should the desire for marriage have in my heart as a temporal institution?

I find myself becoming far more confrontational with myself in the fight against sin. What I mean is that I’ve often tried to convince myself I was satisfied in singleness. I read passages like 1 Corinthians 7, and Song of Solomon 2:7, and would feign some excitement: “Yeah, Lord. Awesome. I’ll be single for you if you call me to!” But if God were to physically appear to me and tell me he wanted me to remain single for his cause, I would have broken down. Pride is unmercifully relentless, and cunningly subtle. I have discovered in my heart at times the attempt to appear to be content in my singleness in the elusive hope that God will look at my contentment and decide that because now that I’m content in him alone, I’m finally ready to get married. That’s anything but contentment. It’s a charade. So when I say that I’m becoming more confrontational, I mean that I’m asking myself harder questions. “I’m content in my singleness.” Am I? Really? What are the evidences of this? If God were to confirm in my life that he wanted me to remain single, how would I really react? How do I live as a single man?

I’ve come to believe that this issue of Christian singleness is much more serious than I’ve treated it in the past. Sermons addressed to young singles are centered around the theme of waiting. They’re patience-driven. This is fine, but it leaves one kind-of big aspect unaddressed. To instruct singles to wait well is to presuppose that they will one day get married. But no one has that assurance. There’s a great scene early on in the show “Lost” in which the survivors of a plane crash are about a week into their time on the island, and they’ve been waiting eagerly for rescue to come at any moment. Their leader Jack then makes an awesome leader-speech in which he starts out saying “It’s been six days… and we’re all still waiting. Waiting for someone to come. Well, what if they don’t? We have to stop waiting. We need to start figuring things out.”

The problem many Christian singles face isn’t patience. It’s idolatry. Impatience is merely the symptom. I’ve too long treated the symptom, trying to become more patient without looking deeper into my heart and seeing the problem there, the idol I’ve made of getting married one day. I’m still waiting. Waiting for a wife to come. Well, what if she doesn’t? I have to stop waiting, and start figuring things out. I’ve long planned (albeit vaguely) my future ministry and plans on the assumption that I’ll be married then. But what if I’m not? A man is more than his marital status. Such a status is temporal. God’s kingdom is eternal. We teach our children that “true love waits” when the Bible doesn’t give anyone the assurance that there’s anything romantic to wait for in the first place. We must be weary of promising earthly blessings when God has not.

As I stated in the journal entry, I’m a weird paradoxical spot when it comes to marriage. My desire for it is perhaps stronger than ever, yet I’m more content than ever in my singleness. There’s a fine line between desire and need, and by God’s grace alone I’m slowly but surely leaving one of those sides. But that’s a daily fight. It’s only been in the last few weeks that I’ve realized that I’ve been harboring an idol in this area. God calls us to be truly satisfied in him. And only when we do this, when we relinquish all control and let God decide how he wants to be good to us will we be truly satisfied in our marriages, in our singleness, in our jobs, and friendships. If our treasure is here, it can be threatened, leaving us vulnerable to fear and hate when that threat comes. But if our greatest treasure isn’t here, then nothing here can threaten us. May we all learn to find deeper satisfaction in God alone, not what he can give us. God’s greatest gift to man is himself, and nothing can ever top that.

————————————-

 

*At the risk of purging this thought of its full implications, it is fruitful to your walk and wonderfully glorifying to God to be bathed in sexual satisfaction in the God-given context of marriage.

1 Comment

Godly Men and Women in a Culture of Porn

“And he’s got posters on the wall of all the girls he wished she was…”
American Hi-Fi, Flavor of the Week

I’ve been reading a very interesting book about pornography and its impact in our culture today. The chapter I’m in right now is talking about how porn affects relationships. I’ve never understood the couples I see come into my work who come to the cash register with a Playboy, Maxim, or something far worse. So many women today have been duped into thinking they are the “cool girlfriend” by endorsing their boyfriends’ porn habits and sometimes encouraging it. How we as a society have come to deal with porn can best be described as accomodating our weaknesses. We’ve just stopped fighting. We’ve come to just expect all men to be into porn and have thus rearranged our expectations of what it means to have a healthy relationship. Consequently, the unease and discomfort with which many girlfriends and wives have about their husband/boyfriends’ porn habits is thought to be wrong. And God forbid they should ever ask their man to stop looking. That’s just being insensitive. Women are increasingly being forced to believe a lie: that porn is okay, and they should live with it.

The following is a good example. A woman once found some porn in her fiance’s e-mail box and wrote in to Ask Amy, the successor to Dear Abby, to ask for advice. Amy encouraged her to confront him about it. In response to Amy’s advice, a male reader wrote a response letter: “Men look at porn…They always have and they always will. For women to demand that their husbands or boyfriends give it up is unreasonable and unrealistic…[her] fiance looks at nudie pictures with his buddies. He’s most likely done this since one of his junior high friends sneaked a copy of his dad’s Playboy into the locker room in 7th grade…If she lets a small thing like this ruin what sounds like an otherwise loving relationship, then she doesn’t deserve him anyway. And I think it stinks that you agreed with her insecurities.” (1)

I read this and my heart just broke. This is so representative of where our society’s attitude is when it comes to porn. How dare she let such a small thing like her fiance’s stash of other naked women upset her. Porn has become an acceptable, nay, encouraged outlet for men. It allows men to fulfill their natural desires to see more than one naked woman while at the same time letting them remain “faithful” to their wives by not actually having to sleep with other women. Porn assumes that men’s lust can’t be conquered. Rather than being a source of division in a relationship, so many sex therapists and women’s magazines are now not only tolerating porn in relationships but embracing it. A 2004 issue of Glamour tells women that watching porn together is one of the “ultimate milestones on any relationship resume.”(2) Haven’t viewed porn yet in your relationship? Man, step up. It’s time to get serious with each other!

Ms. Paul in her book goes on to describe a guy named Eliot. Eliot sees fantasizing about other women as a great thing, so long as it doesn’t actually lead to acting out those desires. Fantasies allow men to lust over other women and get their natural fix, all the while allowing them to still remain faithful to their wives. “Fantasizing about other people helps with fidelity,” he says. “I think so-called impure thoughts are actually important. It helps to engage in fantasy so as not to do these things in real life.”(3) You hear that men? If you haven’t ogled another woman recently, better do it quick. For the love of your wife and the sake of your marriage, you better start thinking about that hot secretary.

I’ll share one more example. Ms. Paul talks about young woman named Ashley. Ashley is mostly comfortable with her self image except for one thing. She doesn’t quite have the largest chest. She doesn’t find the men she’s slept with to find them to be a point of much attention. Her boyfriend at the time of her interview with Ms. Paul followed suit. She takes personally his difficulty in maintaining an erection in bed with her. To add to her frustration, he’s a big fan of pornography, and he’s real big into real big breasts. Ashley finally got up the nerve to talk about her personal insecurity with him. His response? Mind the quotation marks: “Yeah…it’s such a shame because I’m a real boob man.”(4) These are the men we’re expecting women to settle for in this country. Women, these men are dumbasses, and you deserve better. The attitude you’re being forced to adopt is that you should let your man look at other women if all he does is look, get aroused, and masturbate.

There’s a million things I could say statistically, theoretically, theologically, and personally about the dangers of pornography. I won’t. My focus right now is on the men who drive so many women to believe that a porn-free relationship is an unrealistic standard. I specifically want to address Christian men. The church is suffering the same infiltration of pornography as the rest of the world is. And as men who profess Christ we need to show our culture that while lust may be natural, we don’t have to stay natural men. Jesus came to free us from the bondage of our natural hearts which are only evil continually (Genesis 6:5).

Men…

…STEP UP!!!!!!!!!! Be men! You are the glory and image of God (1 Corinthians 9:7)! Grow up, get a job, stop wasting your life on the couch, pull the plug on the XBOX 360, ditch the porn and find a wife to get naked with. Show women what a blessing it is to be a real man. Not a chauvinist pig who is an idiot, drunkard, couch potato. Give our godly sisters in Christ HOPE that there ARE men who love Jesus and are faithful. Any man who believes pornography has no effect on their relationship is kidding themselves. Any man who honestly believes that his relationship with his wife is safe as long as he only fantasizes about other women without actually touching them is a fool and is hopelessly deceived. The Bible says that from the HEART flow the springs of life (Proverbs 4:23). In other words, how you live is the overflow of your heart. If your heart is fantasizing about other women, it will take a toll on your relationship. Even if you never touch one of the women that you fantasize about, eventually your fantasies will destroy the satisfaction you have with your wife.

Men, if you are married, your wife is your standard of beauty. Not some fake porn star. Love her, adore her, and show her you truly are a one-woman man in mind, body, and spirit. Delight yourself in HER (Proverbs 5:18-19, Song of Solomon 4:16-5:1). Make her never question her appearance. Obliterate whatever insecurities she has about her body. If you’re single and you have that desire for a sexual relationship, pray for a wife. Pray, wait, and watch. Search for a standard of beauty. Don’t look at porn and then try to find someone to help re-enact what you watched. Men, choose your love and love your choice. Your job in marriage is not to find a woman to please you sexually. The vast amount of pornography is women servicing men. Please your wives, men. Sex is meant to be reciprocal pleasure, not selfish gratification. Sufjan Stevens said it well in one of his songs: “Only a real man can be a lover.” Any guy can get horny and “screw” a woman. But it takes a real man to truly love a woman. Be that man.

Women, no man has ever loved a woman so much that he was compelled to look at other naked women. Do not tolerate any porn in your relationship. You aren’t being “cool” by giving your boyfriend porn. You’re appealing to his deficiencies. He’s an immature, childish idiot who deserves to be dumped. The blunt truth is that any man who looks at porn while going out with/married to you is not satisfied by you. You can accumulate as much information from “experts” as you want which says that that’s not the case, but it is. Women’s magazines are functioning on the belief that men will never be satisfied with one woman, and that the key to a healthy sex life is finding out how to make them satisfied enough with you. Ditch Cosmo, ditch Glamour, and turn to God’s prescribed method of sexuality which says one man, one woman, for life. Scripture tells men to be drunk in your love, and to be delighted at all times in your breasts. YOURS. The only man who deserves you sexually is the one who is willing to give himself to you for the rest of his life.

I close with perhaps the greatest quote on lust I have ever heard:

“Lust is not the result of an overactive sex drive; it is not a biological phenomenon or the by-product of our glands. If it were, then it could be satisfied with a sexual experience, like a glass of water quenches thirst or a good meal satisfies appetite. But the more we attempt to appease our lust, the more demanding it becomes. There is simply not enough erotica in the world to satisfy lust’s insatiable appetite. When we deny our lustful obsessions, we are not repressing a legitimate drive. We are putting to death an aberration. Lust is to the gift of sex what cancer is to a normal cell. Therefore, we deny it, not in order to become sexless saints, but in order to be fully alive to God, which includes the full and uninhibited expression of our sexual being within the God-given context of marriage.”
-Richard Exley

1. Quoted from Pornified: How Pornography Is Damaging our Lives, our Relationships, and our Families by Pamela Paul, pp.135-136.
2. ibid., p.130
3. ibid., p.140
4. ibid., p.159

1 Comment

Drink Up Me Hearties, Yo Ho…

I thought this was interesting:

For a while now it’s been common knowledge that alcohol consumed in moderation can be very good for you. I say “can” because there will always be some people whose physical condition doesn’t allow them to drink any alcohol at all. But in general, moderate drinking has proven time and again to be very healthy for you. Most of the time you read about its beneficial effects, what you read as “alcohol” more specifically translates into “wine.” Forbes published an article not too long ago however which actually places beer into the healthy category of moderate alcohol consumption. You can read it here.

This doesn’t license us to drink as much as we want without warrant though. As Christians we are called to avoid drunkenness (Ephesians 5:18)and to discern moments in which it might not be beneficial to drink (Romans 14). But this does further underscore the biblically-sanctioned blessing of alcohol, and as Christians we must see it for the gift it was meant to be and set the standard of proper alcohol use in a fallen world of abuse.

For much more fleshed-out thoughts on this subject, I refer you to A Theology of Booze.

Leave a Comment

A Theology of Booze

“Do not suppose that abuses are eliminated by destroying the object which is abused. Men can go wrong with wine and women. Shall we then prohibit and abolish women?”
-Martin Luther

 

Alcohol is something I’ve been wanting to write about for a while now but just never got around to it until I saw a link in a friends’ blog to an article which pushes for total abstinence from alcohol. I began to be motivated again to write on this controversial subject and give my thoughts on it. Some things I’ll say will be a reaction to the article, so you might want to read it first: http://www.baptistpress.com/bpnews.asp?ID=23576. The article was written by a dude named Daniel Akin. Before I start, I have to point out that he writes from a very respectful standpoint as one who agrees that alcohol should be totally abstained from, but does not think Christians should look down on other Christians who do drink. Most of what I have to say about his article is a critique, but not of his character. I want to show him respect and honor him as my brother in Christ even if we do happen to disagree.

The 2006 SBC Alcohol Resolution

At the annual Southern Baptist Convention meeting in June, a resolution was passed which officially stated the convention’s attitude on alcohol. In it, they express that they are in “total opposition to the manufacturing, advertising, distributing, and consuming of alcoholic beverages.” In other words, don’t drink it, it’s wrong. I’ll say this up front: when it comes to alcohol, I’m a moderationist. I do not in any way, shape, or form believe alcohol is evil. It can be used for evil, yes, but the drink itself is not. I’ll defend that more later on but I wanted to get that out of the way. I’ll say something else up front too: I don’t hold this view so I can drink and not feel guilty. I don’t drink. I’m sure there’s some great alcoholic drinks out there, but I’ve personally never found one. So my reason for writing isn’t to encourage people to drink. Nor am I writing solely to defend those Christians who do choose to drink. I think this is an important topic to discuss because 1) Alcohol can be very dangerous, and 2) I believe that alcohol is a springboard into the weightier matters of the Christian life, namely the freedom in Christ. The SBC resolution calls this a “misinterpretation of the doctrine of ‘our freedom in Christ.’” Uhh, is it? It’s a misinterpretation when we get drunk and say “Oh dude, it’s cool, I’m free in Christ!” I’ll say it loud: getting drunk is a sin. There is no excuse for doing it, and it’s pretty sad if we use freedom in Christ to commit sin.

Here are the reasons the SBC took its stand against alcohol. 1) Research confirms biblical warnings that alcohol use leads to physical, mental, and emotional damage (they cite Proverbs 23:29-35). 2) Alcohol has led to countless injuries and deaths on our nation’s highways. 3) Family breakups can be directly or indirectly associated to alcohol use by one or more members of a family. 4) When used as a recreational beverage, it has led people down a path of addiction, which sometimes branches out into drugs. 5) Some religious leaders advocate alcoholic consumption based on a faulty understanding of what it means to be free in Christ. Now, I’m going to get to blasting these points later. But my goal isn’t to prove somebody wrong. A few entries ago I talked about singleness and dating, and how singleness was a gift and marriage was a gift. I said that those who just date so they can date, that is, they want a boyfriend/girlfriend but aren’t even thinking about marriage are robbing God of his gift, be it singleness or marriage. I’m of the firm belief that it’s a terrible tragedy to call a blessing of God a curse. “Woe to those who call evil good and good evil, who put darkness for light and light for darkness, who put bitter for sweet and sweet for bitter!” (Isaiah 5:20) The connection between that and alcohol is this: I believe alcohol, when used appropriately in moderation, not abused, is a gift from God. If that is true, then woe to us for condemning it. The verse I’ll springboard this whole entry on is found in Psalm 104:14-15: “You cause the grass to grow for the livestock and plants for man to cultivate, that he may bring forth food from the earth and wine to gladden the heart of man, oil to make his face shine and bread to strengthen man’s heart.”

A couple months ago I listened to the first several minutes of a sermon by some Baptist preacher reinforcing the church’s need to abstain totally from all kinds of alcohol. I’ll say this in the context of alcohol but it can apply to other stuff I’m sure, but I have little real tolerance for people who seem to have more allegiance to their denomination than to the Word of God. Doing something or not doing something because of your denominational affiliation isn’t good enough for me. This guy kept backing up his points because of how the Baptists have “always” done it. I find this weak for the point already mentioned above, that man-interpreted denominations are fallible. Secondly, church history is not so kind to the prohibitionist mindset as many Christians would like to believe it is. Take a look at some examples:

Fun Facts about Alcohol in Church History

> The Puritans: clean, wholesome, boring, and intolerant of the slightest drop of alcohol, right? Wrong. More beer was loaded onto the Mayflower than water. The first Thanksgiving didn’t have cranberry sauce, mashed potatoes, sweet potatoes, or pumpkin pie. But there was beer, brandy, gin, and wine.

> In 1789, the first Kentucky whiskey was made…by a Baptist minister.

> Religious services and court sessions were often held in the major taverns of Colonial American towns.

> Martin Luther’s wife was supposedly an excellent brewer. In his letters to her when they were apart, he would tell of his desire to come back home and have some of her beer.

> John Calvin had as part of his pastoral compensation pack included around 250 gallons of wine to be enjoyed by him and his friends.

> Puritans again: was the first permanent structure at Plymouth Rock a church or a brewery? Brewery.

> Saint Gall, famous missionary to the Celts, was a very famous brewer.

The church in its history has enjoyed alcohol, no question about it. So what has happened? Pastor Mark Driscoll of Mars Hill Church in Seattle observes:

“As feminism grew in America during the turn of the 20th century the women’s suffrage and prohibition movements were the practical results of a feminine piety that came to also dominate the church as more women became pastors and the church became more feminine. Some denominations began to condemn alcohol as sinful and the Methodist pastor Dr. Thomas Welch created the very “Christian” Welch’s grape juice to replace communion wine in 1869. The marriage of Christianity and feminism helped to create a dry nation that put out of business all but the largest brewers who were able to survive on near beer and root beer which explains why today American beer is largely mass produced, watered down, light on calories, and feminine in comparison to rich and dark European beers. The resurgence of micro-brews is helping to overcome the great loss and resurrect the art of brewing.”

To be fair, just because the church HAS enjoyed alcohol in the past doesn’t necessarily mean it’s ok. That’s not a good argument. The church has done many wrong things in history. But just because we live in the “here and now” doesn’t mean we’re not also doing some things wrong. I think the history of alcohol in the church speaks volumes though.

Prohibitionism

Prohibitionists believe that alcohol is evil and that drinking is a sin. Let’s tackle it first. In the verse I quoted above, it says that wine is given by God to gladden the heart of man. Jesus, our very example, drank wine. In John 2, Jesus’ first miracle was making wine at a wedding. In Matthew 11:19, he is accused of being a glutton and a drunkard because he ate a lot of food and he drank a lot of wine. If Prohibitionists are correct in their thinking, then Biblical examination yields the fact that God is evil because he created alcohol and that Jesus sinned because he drank it.

1 Timothy 4:5-6 says that “everything created by God is good, and nothing is to be rejected if it is received with thanksgiving, for it is made holy by the word of God and prayer.” Question: did God create wine? Yes. Playing devil’s advocate with myself, I asked “Well what if wine is just man’s corruption and perversion of stuff God did create?” I think that’s a good question, but if that were true I seriously doubt the Bible would say that God gives wine to gladden our hearts. God creates stuff, and all that God creates is good. Furthermore, looking again at Psalm 104:14-15, it says that God causes “the grass to grow for the livestock and plants for man to cultivate that he may bring forth food from the earth and wine to gladden the heart of man, oil to make his face shine and bread to strengthen man’s heart.” Admittedly, God doesn’t create wine in the sense that it’s just laying around. It has to be cultivated, it has to be fermented. This passage says that he gives us the stuff to do that though, along with stuff to make food, oil, and bread, but no one is pushing for the prohibition of oil, food, and bread.

One question I have for the prohibitionist is this: if alcohol is an evil, why would Paul instruct Timothy to drink it? In 1 Timothy 5:23, he tells Timothy to use a little wine for his stomach and frequent ailments. Some might say “That’s for medicinal purposes. That’s different.” But is it? When did it become okay to forfeit your purity for the sake of your physical life? The history of the church is built on the blood of saints who refused to do just that. What does it profit to gain the world and forfeit your soul? If wine is evil, Paul would not have instructed Timothy to drink it for ANY reason. In Hebrews 12:4, we’re instructed to resist sin to the point of shedding our blood.

Drunkenness is always condemned, but often not by itself. It is OFTEN paralleled with gluttony. Proverbs 23:21 says “for the drunkard and the glutton will come to poverty, and slumber will clothe them with rags.” Matthew 11:19 – “The Son of Man came eating and drinking, and they say, ‘Look at him! A glutton and a drunkard, a friend of tax collectors and sinners!’ Yet wisdom is justified by her deeds.” Deuteronomy 21:20 – “and they shall say to the elders of his city, ‘This our son is stubborn and rebellious; he will not obey our voice; he is a glutton and a drunkard.’” It is paralleled with sexual immorality (Romans 13:13, Revelations 17:2). Logically speaking, you can’t use verses that speak against drunkenness as grounds for saying your shouldn’t drink alcohol at all. This is crucial to understand, because if you’re comfortable doing that, then you must become comfortable using verses condemning gluttony and sexual immorality as ammunition for the total prohibition of sex and food.

Divine Secrets of the Yayin Priesthood

Another big problem for the prohibitionist is the fact that wine is often a sign of God’s blessings and a metaphor for Godly things. It’s described as a wonderful gift from God. In Deuteronomy 14, God says that if the Israelites distinguished between clean and unclean animals, tithed, and were obedient to the Lord then they could take the leftover money “and spend [it] for whatever you desire- oxen or sheep or wine or strong drink, whatever your appetite craves. And you shall eat there before the LORD your God and rejoice, you and your household.” Ecclesiastes 9:7 says to “Go, eat your bread in joy, and drink your wine with a merry heart, for God has already approved what you do.” Chapter 10 verse 19 says that “wine gladdens life.” Here’s something that gets me: wine was often used in sacrifices to God. Also, in Isaiah 55:1 God uses wine among other things to describe the gift of mercy and salvation: “Come, everyone who thirsts, come to the waters; and he who has no money, come, but and eat! Come, buy wine and milk without money and without price.” If wine is evil, why would God profane himself by having an evil thing sacrificed to himself? Why would he liken his glorious gift of mercy to the terrible evil that is alcohol? This is a horrendous rape of his glory, yet one that prohibitionists must come to terms with.

Continuing, Jeremiah 40:12 describes the improved conditions of Jewish life free from oppression by saying that the “Judeans returned from all the places to which they had been driven and came to the land of Judah, to Gedaliah at Mizpah. And they gathered wine and summer fruits in great abundance.” Compare this with verses like 2 Chronicles 31:5, Nehemiah 5:18, Ezekiel 27:18, and we begin to see that abundance of wine is seen as evidence of God’s favor. It’s a blessing. The coming Messianic era is described with abundant pictures of wine as we see in Amos 9:13-15 and Isaiah 25:6-9. Wine also symbolizes Godly wisdom (Proverbs 9:2-5) and romantic love (Song of Solomon 5:1). Again, why would such beautiful, God-given things be likened unto such an evil thing as alcohol? Think about that for a second. Then think about 2 Corinthians 6:14- “what fellowship has light with darkness?” Prohibitionism of alcohol falls flat in light of Scripture.

A great Old Testament illustration of this is in a couple places. Leviticus 10:8-10 – “And the LORD spoke to Aaron, saying, ‘Drink no wine or strong drink, you or your sons with you, when you go into the tent of meeting lest you die. It shall be a statute forever throughout your generations. You are to distinguish between the holy and the common, and between the unclean and the clean.” Also look at Ezekiel 44:21 – “No priest shall drink wine when he enters the inner court.” This is a prohibition of alcohol, yes, but it’s not universal. Priests were to refrain from wine when performing their duties. Leviticus 10:10 shows the reason why: they need to be sober in order to distinguish between unclean and clean things. These passages would’ve been great places to condemn alcohol altogether. But it only says to abstain when performing their duties which implies that it’s okay to drink at other times. And to combat the tortured “alcoholic/non-alcoholic wine” arguments before they start…if this is not alcoholic, intoxicating wine God is talking about here, then why abstain from it AT ALL, on the job or not?

Abstentionism

Alright, let’s tackle this one. Abstentionists believe that alcohol isn’t evil but that because it’s so abused, Christians should avoid it altogether so as to keep themselves safe and to keep others from stumbling. It’s the whole “let’s not cause people to stumble” stuff you hear. So, it sounds a little better than prohibitionism although I believe it’s much more dangerous, and I’ll explain why later.

While prohibitionism crumbles under scriptural evidence, abstentionism crumbles under practicality. Just because something is abused does not make it evil. But that’s why prohibitionists and abstentionists claim, yet they don’t seem to be making a case against food since it leads to gluttony or sex because it leads to sexual immorality. Why? Because when it comes to alcohol we bring our own preconceived convictions into the equation and let that be the source of gravity by which all Scripture orbits. Reality check: we’re required to preach what the Bible SAYS is true, not what we want it to say is true. Abstentionism doesn’t work is because it’s stupid. Anything can be abused. We don’t condemn food because some people eat too much of it. We don’t condemn sex because some people abuse it. We don’t cover up the sky because people worship the stars and the sun. We don’t burn down all trees because some people worship nature. 1 Timothy 6:10 says that the love of money is the root of all kinds of evil. Should we then abolish all money? No, because it’s not money that’s evil, but the love of it. Why should alcohol be an exception to this rule? Here’s a good one. What has been the most abused thing in the history of the world? I’d be willing to put money down on my guess. What do you think it is? Here’s my guess…….the tongue. Can you begin to imagine the horrors of the entire history of the world that have unfolded because of what someone has spoken? It may be an insult. It might be the orders of a tyrannical dictator. Imagine the millions if not billions of lives lost because of a person’s tongue. This doesn’t even take into account the probably greater number of those who’ve been hurt either temporarily or long-term by someone’s word. James 3 addresses this big-time. Should we then abolish all talking? No, cuz that’s stupid, and that’s why this position fails. It just gets ridiculous. Of course it’s not absurd to abstain from sin, but as I’ve already tried to stress, alcohol is not a sin. Drunkenness is. Like all the other stuff in this paragraph, getting drunk is an abuse of something good. Logically, you’ll have to abstain from everything, because everything can become an idol.

Abstentionists will often talk about not causing anyone to stumble as the basis for abstaining. Mark Driscoll makes an excellent point concerning this. He asks the question “Ok, WHO is going to stumble?” Give a concrete, living person and not just some random, made-up, mythical, netherworld person. Who is going to stumble because of you drinking? Romans 14:13-23 is probably THE passage about Christian liberty, at least for me especially with regards to alcohol. The whole point of this section is that things in and of themselves aren’t evil. It’s how we USE them. We should above all else act in love, and if you’re dining with a recovering alcoholic, even though alcohol is permissible for you, you should abstain from it in his presence. This doesn’t just go for alcohol. It goes for all things. I’ll come back to this passage later.

The reason I feel this is such a dangerous position is that in light of what Scripture says, some people still choose to abstain. Now, there is NOTHING wrong with that. That’s fine. The problem is when they begin to feel that by abstaining they’re holy. Harold Lindsell, an abstentionist says “Since the body of the believer is the temple of the Holy Spirit, it is not difficult to conclude that abstinence is to be preferred even though there is no express prohibition in Scripture against the use of alcohol in moderation.” THINK about what he just said. Do you understand the implications of that statement? He’s essentially saying that Christians should do this even though the Bible doesn’t say to. Think on this one too. Paul Gilchrist (abstentionist) writes “From the example and teaching of Jesus and the teaching of Paul, it cannot be certainly concluded that total abstinence was a requirement in the New Testament church.” As Kenneth Gentry notes, “if it were not a requirement in the apostolic church, why should it now be a requirement? Scripture is our final authority in the realm of ethics and morality.” These two abstentionist statements are dangerous because they’re essentially encouraging us to become holier than Scripture itself!

Everything has the potential to lead us away from God, but not everything is evil is it? Just because something can be used wrongly does not demonize it. This is why I’m opposed to the SBC Resolution no. 5 mentioned at the beginning. I’ll list the “Whereas” section of the resolution now which gives their reasons for taking a stand against it:

WHEREAS, Years of research confirm biblical warnings that alcohol use leads to physical, mental, and emotional damage (e.g., Proverbs 23:29-35); and

WHEREAS, Alcohol use has led to countless injuries and deaths on our nation’s highways; and

WHEREAS, The breakup of families and homes can be directly and indirectly attributed to alcohol use by one or more members of a family; and

WHEREAS, The use of alcohol as a recreational beverage has been shown to lead individuals down a path of addiction to alcohol and toward the use of other kinds of drugs, both legal and illegal; and

WHEREAS, There are some religious leaders who are now advocating the consumption of alcoholic beverages based on a misinterpretation of the doctrine of “our freedom in Christ”;

Here’s my quick rebuttal, line by line. Line 1: DRUNKENNESS leads to physical, mental, and emotional damage, not moderate consumption. That passage in Proverbs is not describing a moderate drinker but a drunkard. Line 2: No, DRUNKENNESS has led to those fatalities. That’s why we have laws about drinking and driving, not against drinking itself. Line 3: DRUNKENNESS has broken up families. Besides, many things have broken up families. Many spouses have had extramarital affairs. Should we then prohibit sex in general? Line 4: Drinking CAN lead to an addiction to alcohol. Key word: “can”. Not “will certainly.” And yes it can lead to drugs, but it doesn’t have to. Many people start drugs on their own without the aid of alcohol. Line 5: We ARE free to drink so far as we don’t abuse it and get drunk and if we’re wise about it (Romans 14).

The whole resolution is based on the faulty logic of abstentionism. Take a look at Ecclesiastes 10:17 – “Happy are you, O land, when your king is the son of the nobility, and your princes feast at the proper time, for strength, and not for drunkenness!” What is being commended in this verse with regards to alcohol? A hint: it’s not abstinence. It’s sobriety!

The Superior Wisdom

Daniel Akin finishes his article with a challenge: “I challenge anyone to show me the superior wisdom of drinking ‘in moderation,’ as opposed to not drinking at all.” Here we go…

1. Well it gladdens the heart of man. You can be made joyful from it without getting drunk. Psalm 104:14-15 points this out as does Ecclesiastes 10:19. See also Zechariah 9:15, 10:7 and Judges 9:13. One of my roommates told me when I first moved in that he sometimes likes to have a drink when he gets home from work to help him relax. And you know what? He has never been drunk in his life. I’ve lived with him two years now and can tell you he drinks with integrity. Both my roommates do.
2. Health is a benefit. The SBC Resolution claims it has negative health effects. But the truth is that while DRUNKENNESS has negative health effects, moderate drinking does the reverse. Studies confirm that moderate drinkers tend to live longer, healthier lives than do alcoholics or out-right abstainers. They’re less likely to suffer hyptertension, high blood pressure, peripheral artery disease, Alzheimer’s, and even colds. It also helps reduce the risk or can straight up prevent diabetes, rheumatoid arthritis, bone fractures and osteoporosis, kidney stones, digestive ailments, stress, depression, poor cognition and memory, Parkinson’s disease, hepatitis A, pancreatic cancer, macular degeneration (which can cause blindness), angina pectoris, duodenal ulcer, erectile dysfunction, hearing loss, gallstones, liver disease, and poor physical condition for older people.

Ask any real fundamental Christian if smoking is a sin and they’ll likely tell you yes. The reason? “Because your body is the temple of God and you should keep it healthy.” Speaking of which, a lot of Christians who hold this view don’t seem to have a problem eating more than their share. There are some FAT Christians out there. I don’t say that to be mean, but simply to challenge much of the Church to stop believing to whatever lie it is they’ve heard that obesity is permissible. Since when did gluttony become a better sin than smoking or drinking? Heck, at least gluttony made the Seven Deadly Sins. Anyway, if it’s true that we should stay fit and healthy because we’re the temple of God, why NOT moderately drink in light of the evidence above?

Romans 14

“I know and am persuaded in the Lord Jesus that nothing is unclean in itself, but it is unclean for anyone who thinks it unclean…It is good not to eat meat or drink wine or do anything that causes your brother to stumble. The faith that you have, keep between yourself and God. Blessed is the one who has no reason to pass judgment on himself for what he approves” (Romans 14:14, 21-22). There are “weak” Christians and “strong” ones. It’s not wrong to be weak. Not a sin or anything. A weak Christian in the context of alcohol would be someone who would not be able to drink alcohol without violating their own conscience. A strong Christian would be one who can gratefully consume alcohol moderately. “Let not the one who eats despise the one who abstains, and let not the one who abstains pass judgment on the one who eats, for God has welcomed him” (v. 3). Romans 14 doesn’t define eating or drinking as sin but rather our ATTITUDE concerning our consumption. For example, a strong Christian might encourage a weak Christian to take a drink of alcohol for the purpose of destroying any pride they might have from “never having had a drink.” That’s wrong though. The strong Christian is sinning. Verse 23 says “whoever has doubts is condemned if he eats, because the eating is not from faith. For whatever does not proceed from faith is sin.” You’re encouraging that weak Christian to sin by violating their own conscience. I’ll use another example, something I’ve actually done before. Every now and then I’ll be somewhere public and out of the corner of my eye see a girl who my peripheral vision convinces me is smokin’ hot. When my flesh wins, I turn ever so slightly to catch a glimpse of her and lust. But there’s a problem. That hot babe is really some middle-aged lady who ain’t at all attractive. Seeing her as unattractive, I do not lust over her. Woohoo, I won! I didn’t lust! No I may not have lusted, but I still sinned. I had lustful intent.

Alcohol may not be evil, but if you can’t drink it with a clear conscience, DON’T DRINK IT. While I think prohibitionism is dangerous because it’s contradictory to what Scripture says, and abstentionism dangerous because it just isn’t practical, I don’t think those who choose not to drink are in any error. My concern isn’t whether you drink or not, but rather WHY you don’t drink. And lest you think I’m pushing an agenda here, I’m not. I had a sip of beer recently and that’s the only alcohol I’ve tasted in probably three years. I just don’t drink it. Last year I was on a team at my church, and one of my commitments was no alcohol. I didn’t agree with that at all and still don’t, but I submitted myself to my church’s regulations. There’s bigger things than drinking. “Do not, for the sake of food, destroy the work of God” (v. 20). Strong Christians need the weak, and the weak need the strong. None should look down on each other. I should not look down on someone who can’t in good conscience consume alcohol, nor should they look down on someone who can (vv. 1-12). Oh and incidentally, Romans 13 tells us to obey our governing authorities. If you’re an American under the age of 21, then it’s a sin to drink.

The whole reason I write about this….

is not to encourage people to drink. It’s deeper than that. I believe it’s a terrible tragedy to call evil what God has looked at and called “good.” We’re treading on ice when we’ve become holier than Jesus, a man who did drink, an act which caused his opponents to label him as a drunkard. I don’t think these pharisees weren’t opposed to Jesus because he ate and drank. Those accusations they made because they already opposed him. Similarly we can’t live by any preconceived notions about right and wrong. That must come strictly from what God says is right and wrong. If we live by our own judgments, we won’t live by God’s Word, and we’ll attempt to become holier than Jesus himself, and thus enters legalism and false religion. Kenneth Gentry wisely says “These widely divergent camps suffer from a common malady: subjectivism in determining the will of God. Unfortunately, even conservative fundamentalism often borders on this error in its ethical reliance upon ‘the leading of the Holy Spirit’ divorced from the Word of God- sign-seeking, special guidance by direct feelings and impressions of the Holy Spirit, and the like.” He goes on to say “Autonomous ethics are internally contradictory (because they are not true) and inherently evil (because they deny God).”

Legalism destroys the work that Christ did upon the Cross. He died on a Cross for your sins because nothing you could EVER do would be able to get you into heaven. A person is not made holy because they don’t drink, nor are they holy because they don’t say “fuck” or “shit,” or whatever. Your righteousness has nothing to do with that. I’m a righteous and holy man because Jesus died for me and rose again and forgave me from my sins and gave me his Holy Spirit. Now I’m promised eternal life.

And that offer is open to anyone…

With Love,
Scott

The Health stats were taken from http://www2.potsdam.edu/hansondj/AlcoholAndHealth.html. See also: http://www.hsph.harvard.edu/nutritionsource/alcohol.html.

Two excellent resources for further study: 1) God Gave Wine: What the Bible Says About Alcohol by Kenneth Gentry, and 2) Mark Driscoll’s sermon “Good Wine, Glad Hearts” which can be found on his church’s website http://marshillchurch.org.

2 Comments

Follow

Get every new post delivered to your Inbox.

Join 190 other followers